The Art of Saying NO

There is an art form for saying no to what doesn’t serve you.

Over decades of life experiences, I had to learn this the hard way. Setting boundaries is not just important. It is VITAL to being a great leader.

Once, my friend had an emergency in their family and they needed money urgently. So I did what any good friend should do (or so I thought) — I took some money off my line of credit. They promised to return it to me. But by the time I needed to make my payment at the end of the month, they acted annoyed, like I was looking to borrow money from THEM. So I kept getting put off. I began feeling really awful about myself. After all, I needed this money to pay back my bills. 

Perhaps you’ve had a similar friend in the past. Do people frequently call to use your car, pop into your house on announced, or use your space or your things in ways that don’t really make you feel good? 

Ponder the following:

Where are you currently setting boundaries in your life? 

Where do you NEED to be setting boundaries?

Who do you find it most difficult to set boundaries with? Why? 

Which ones make you feel the worst? Which ones make you feel the best? 

Time Boundaries

Collaboration is important for success in EVERY area of our lives. However, it’s essential to protect our time. In the past, a manager I worked with had 9 AM and 4:30 PM blocked off every day for planning and reflection, signalling to others he wasn’t available for meetings then. I had never seen that in anybody’s calendar ever, but it was something that I learned from him that has surprisingly made a huge difference in my daily productivity. 

Reflect: how are you setting boundaries around your own time? 

Beware of Co-dependence

Codependence is bad leadership. It disables others and takes away their ability to think and solve problems ON THEIR OWN. To support others, set boundaries that support both you AND them. This helps people learn to manage their stress and, not always come to you. As a result, they become self-sufficient. This is what a great leader strives to achieve.

I made a mistake as a professor during the COVID pandemic. I had a student who was a mother and was struggling to navigate the online learning platform, so I dedicated extra time and effort to provide tech support for her. I would respond to all her messages IMMEDIATELY for the first month. I thought she’d be grateful for my help.

One weekend, I got busy and didn’t respond immediately. To my surprise, this student got extremely angry with me. This taught me an important lesson: when you do not set boundaries, you also set up others to have expectations that are unrealistic and to feel entitled to things that are not realistic and not reasonable. You literally set them up for failure by not putting appropriate boundaries in place. 

Put on Your Oxygen Mask First

We all have our own physical, mental, emotional, material, space and time needs. Reinforcing new boundaries with existing people in our lives is challenging, but it also creates space for them to find answers on their own.

It’s now 2023. I challenge you to use this New Year to think about, set and reinforce boundaries in your life. Remind others of your boundaries and stick to them until it’s drilled in. And keep doing that until your boundaries are FIRMLY understood. 

What boundaries do you need to be setting in 2023?